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Welcome to Blaze's Den
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. Took me long enough. But here's the complete master post of all my fan works. Some (like Puppy Cargo, Spooks and Shotguns, and the Romance series) have links to their Master posts, but this links to everything. Without further ado:


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Current Location: in da spinning chair
Current Mood: groggy groggy
Current Music: "Carry On My Wayward Son" Kansas

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I may take this down, if it sits unfilled for too horribly long, but for now it amuses me. See, I had a blast with the winter prompt thingie, and some of the suggestions were things I would have never thought of, but loved. (Even if I didn't get them all posted in time. Shush.) So, I decided to open this little spot. I'm going to accept prompts 24/7/365 on this post; just pop in and drop something off. I do not, by any means, promise it will be filled, either in a timely manner or ever, but these totally random prompts get my muse curious in ways that the lingering half-finished fics on my harddrive never do. :/ So yeah. -Any pairing -Any rating -Any fandom that you've seen me play in -Any genre (except horror..... and humor I'm not great at, but feel free to prompt for it anyway)


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Current Mood: chipper chipper

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I know it's still a bit early, but I'm sending out holiday cards this winter, and if you'd like one, just fill out
this form here, and I'll get one to you! ^_^ 

This entry originally posted at (http://silverblaze85.dreamwidth.org/91316.html), where there are comment count unavailable comments on it. :)
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Whew.

I bet you all thought I was dead, huh? It's been over a year, and yikes, what has changed! Putting all this under a cut, because I think it's gonna get crazy-long.

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As far as fandom goes, I've pretty solidly gotten out of Supernatural, to say the least. The series just devolved past my tolerances, and I just phased out of it. I'm much more active in the Marvel Avengers, and Pacific Rim.

So, how's everything been with you?!
 


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Accepted the job that abruptly fell into my lap, so I've been working my usual 11pm-7 am, and then doubling back and working 8:30am-1:30pm training at my new job. I'm utterly exhausted, especially since I've intentionally shorted my sleep twice to watch Pacific Rim.

I'm utterly in love with that movie. The fact that they do not make out, kiss, grope, slobber or have any form of a sex scene in it appeals greatly to me and my asexuality. It was awesome to see the heroine be a strong BAMF of a character, with flaws and imperfections and NOT a sex-kitten or useless arm candy. And Raleigh, precious little puppy that he is, is also flawed and damaged and has absolutely NO reason to ever do this again, yet doesn't hesitate to dive back in. Because it's what's needed. It's about the smaller characters, the fact that this isn't pulled off by 1 character, but the whole entire slew of them. It's about sacrifice, and faith, and trust, and it's just amazing. My tumblr is nothing but Pacific Rim right now. ♥♥♥

Also, there's an online JaegerCon for anyone interested. You can track the JaegerCon tag, or you can follow JaegerCon, and it's being ran by Marchingjaybird, Flatbear and Exorin are the ones who have spearheaded this insane task.

Beyond that, I'm just catching up on sleep. Things should settle down soon, my last day here at the hotel is Saturday night, leading into Sunday morning, and then I hit the ground running on Monday full-time at the office. So it should calm down, and the 100 things baking meme will start up again. I've just not had any time at all to do anything. :( 

In medical news, I finally got into the clinic and they said the pain in my hands is arthritis (I'm not even 30 yet!), and I'm on some drugs to help the worst of the ache. It helps, I can type and write longer now before it hurts too much, though the drugs limit me to only Tylenol for any additional painkillers, which is a royal pain when a migraine hits. But still, it's better than it was. it's just a low-level grinding instead of the crippling pain it was before, so whoot! 

How's everyone else doing?

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Okay, so I have two bears... I had bought the Pumpkin bear online, and had my sister stuff and choose all her personality traits and name, and I chose Austin. She named the Pumpkin bear Autumn (fitting, don't you think?)

Well, my Hulk costume finally came in, so I had to play dress-up. XD 

Champ teddy bear from Build-A-Bear. Mottled colors, ragged stitching.
This is Austin. I love him, he's so scruffy and rag-tag! ♥♥♥

Pumpkin Bear from Build-A-Bear. Creamy orange color with pumpkins on the bear.
This is Autumn! Isn't she so sweet looking?

Iron Man costume for a teddy bear
Here's the Iron Man costume, with helmet.

Hulk costume for teddy bears
And the Hulk costume. I know, those are supposed to be 'angry' eyebrows, but they look like happy chibi eyes, don't they?!

Austin in Iron Man costume

Austin in Iron Man costume, without helmet

This is Austin in the Iron Man costume, with and without his helmet. I much prefer without! 

Autumn as the Hulk
And Autumn makes a pretty good Hulk! 

But then Autumn wanted to switch costumes... I don't think they look as good. What do you think? 
Autumn as Iron Man

Austin in Hulk Costume

We're headed up again this fall, as a birthday treat to me, since A) it was an absolute BLAST, and B) they didn't seem to think I was crazy for making a teddy bear. I'm planning on ordering the Captain America costume when I find a good price for it, but they have sooo many adorable costumes for bears! I'm figuring I need to build a little bear wardrobe for them all. XD 

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Well, out of the blue last week, I got a phone call from a local doctor's office, wanting to know if I wanted to come work for them. Considering I hadn't been looking for another job, I was a bit lost, but it breaks down into:

-30 hr/week for the same I'm making now at 40 hr/week, so a significant pay raise (from 8.25/hr to about 11/hr)
-Paid holidays off (including Memorial and Labor day weekends, the 23rd-26th of December off, and Black Friday off), a week of paid vacation, and your birthday off and paid.
-Hours from 9 am to 6 pm, so daylight hours and a regular sleep schedule.
-Every Sunday off (which would have been wonderful while my grandparents were alive, we went to see them every Sunday, but I always had to work)
-Alternating Saturdays off, working 3 hours on the weeks I work.

Sounds nice, I told them I would go ahead and take it, but I'm incredibly, incredibly nervous about it. Been making myself sick with the anxiety, because change NEVER ends well for me, and yeah, this is a poor choice. But I'm hoping daylight hours may make me a little less depressed and scale back on the suicidal impulses.

Not to mention, no more guests like the one who threatened to beat my brains in. Or the ones that watch porn in the lobby and jack off. >:(

In other news, went to Build-A-Bear on Friday, and loved it. My Pumpkin Bear I bought from another ageplayer who was cleaning out their collection came in unstuffed, so we got to stuff that one and I picked out one for me, and had a blast. They didn't look at me like I was crazy at all! And to boot, their Hulk and Iron Man costumes came in, so whee.

I went to that appointment with my therapist, but she had forgotten that she had rescheduled it with me, and had another client in session. She said she'd call to reschedule me, but has yet to get back with me. And that was how many weeks ago? So, I think it's pretty mutual that it's over.

Beyond that, same shit, different day. What's new with you?

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So, stopped into Petco yesterday to pick up some new Josie toys and see if the chicken jerky is back for Punk yet, and grab some treats. And there's a huge display of aquariums in the center of the store. O.o Turns out they're having a sale, $1/gallon for tanks. So, a 40 gallon aquarium is $40.

Hulk needs a new tank. :/ I was hoping to ship him down to Brad's parent's house, since they have a pond, but they keep 'forgetting' to take him, so he's just getting bigger, and his tank isn't. I've kinda 'resigned' myself to keeping him (I say 'resigned', because I really don't mind, but now it's sorting out the logistics of the bigger tank and clearing out space and then figuring out decor and sand vs rocks and on and on and on!), so I've been keeping an eye out for tanks. Mostly because I have a 40 gallon, but it's cracked down the size from Godzilla, so it's turtle-use-only, and the 20-gallon breeder is a screen-top for reptiles, I'm not cutting up the screen for the filter to go in, and the 29 gallon apparently fell in the storage unit at some point. So yeah.

$40 for a forty-gallon is an amazing deal. The hood would be about $30, which would tap out this paycheck, but the next paycheck I can pick up the stuff to go inside. By August, Hulk could be in a tank he needs. So I'm trying to convince myself to just get it. And probably get him a friend, too, since I think he's lonely. Or maybe that's just me. I'm almost afraid he'd eat any other fish I put in there, given how big he's gotten. Which brings me back to feeling guilty he's still in that tank.

Trying to work on that.

I'm thinking sand in the tank, because it means less deep vacuuming, just a surface vac every week or so, and the sand is significantly less expensive than rocks. Which are usually painted. And Hulk likes to eat rocks. But sand can tear up a HOB filter, so there's that to worry about. And the possibility of him eating sand. And waiting for the sand to settle before I can put him in there. I don't know how long that takes.

And plants.... I want to go with silk, because they're really care-free. No fertilizing, no light requirements, I don't have to worry about Hulk eating them, or snails, or other life forms. But they're expensive. Has anyone tried going 50/50 on silk/live? *ponders* 

Welcome to my world lately. XD Insomnia is so much fun. You spend an 8 hour shift pondering the details of an aquarium, just to kind of hit choice paralysis and walk away.

In other news, I'm stupid, and have decided to make Avenger quilts. Yes, you can start laughing hysterically now.

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Your demons howl and scream,

Rattle the bars of your cage,

Screaming for blood and pain,

And you,

Tired of fighting,

Give in.

 

The blade is sweet and cool,

Whispering salvation,

Silencing the demons and doubts.

Following the blue road, and you’ll be free.

The breath-held anticipation as the steel

Splits the skin and leaves you gaping.

That moment before the blood wells and spills

Over, cascading, rinsing away the agony.

The redness surprises you,

It should be black, with the failures and regrets and

The ugliness inside your skin.

 

The demons want the other arm,

It’s easy to quiet them now.

The sacrifice is enough to appease them,

And though you know it’s in your mind,

You smile as the tide seems to rise in time,

Matching the pulsing of your heart.

Useless.

 

The voices are quiet, the redemption delivered,

And it’s easy now to lay down, curl on the chilly floor,

The last of your penance.

It’ll be just a moment, you promise, before you’ll get up,

Bind and bandage and cover and lie,

Pretend to be something you’re not.

Silence the demons for a while longer, cover the failures,

Be what everyone else wants.

 

In the static of your mind, in the gray and fuzzy space,

Where you are quiet and alone at last,

You can’t help but notice,

It didn’t hurt.

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So, after getting chewed out by my sister yesterday (she learned I threw away everything to do with crafts after my break-up. She wasn't pleased. I didn't know canvases could hurt that much. >.>), I had a moment of 'huh', in terms of realizing that I was still letting Sarah beat on me, all these years later. And it kinda pissed me off. And Sam kinda stirred and had a moment of "Jesus, what the hell do you think we've been trying to tell you?" grumbly-snarly-snappy, and yeah. It's like knowing that the light in the laundry room is on, and then actually stopping and going "OH! Oh, my, that light is on. Huh." I dunno. I've always done this sort of oblivious nature thing. Ro used to get exasperated with it. "You're almost a genius, and yet you have the situational awareness of a toddler most days."

So yeah. Que-d up some music that I had saved pre-Sarah, and blasted it all night, and when the muse stirred, I dropped everything I was doing and wrote. And yeah, it's only 400 words, but it's 400 words I didn't write before, and it's the first thing I've really written in over a year. I'm perversely pleased by this, and awed by the glimmer of the person I used to be. It's the first glimpse I've seen of her since it all went to hell five years ago, the first chance to realize maybe I'm not as broken and shattered as I thought I was. A little dinged, yes, a little battered, yup, but not nearly as bad as I thought I was.

If I can just keep a hold of this feeling, now. Well, that and get rid of the 'nightmares'. Meh.

*gryns* I think this tiger just rediscovered her stripes, yeah?







Psst, I'll reply to those back-logged comments and threads and post the missing 100 things entry when I get up tonight. My hands don't hurt today, so hopefully I can tackle those! *fingers crossed*

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Current Mood: excited excited

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